Death Simultaneously 

Death simultaneously is an emotion, an experience, and a thought process I’m too familiar with. Its the rapid change of a mental state from despair to delusional laughing, to crying yourself to sleep.

What is it about the death of another – that when you experience it, you start to relive every moment with that person while simultaneously imagining future moments they will be absent for?

Is it our brain sending a message to our heart in an attempt to avoid the denial phase of grief while simultaneously crushing it into a million pieces? You’ll miss some of the best days of my life.

What is it about the day before they die when you’re sitting at the end of the bed and waiting – You’re waiting, and silently hoping their pain ends soon while simultaneously trying to make the final moments together concrete in your memory.

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Is it because all of a sudden we are reminded that forever has an ending? You think you have time but you don’t. You think you have more. You think you have forever, but you don’t.

What is it about death that makes you want to remember them alive right now while simultaneously knowing that this is not how they want to be remembered?

Is it because they want you to remember the times you looked up at them, not down?

What is it about an unexpected death that makes you think about their last few hours on earth while simultaneously thinking about the moment they left this world?

Is it our own internal and natural fear of death that leads us to think about today as just another day one second, then it becomes the worst day of our lives the next? You never think the last time is the last time.

What is it about death that leads you to find yourself remembering the good times and laughing at the memories while simultaneously planning a funeral and helping complete the perfect eulogy?

Is it because we’re taught to be thankful for the memories and trying to find comfort in knowing they’re in a better place? They would have stayed forever if they could.  img_9091

What is it about death that suddenly makes you want to “live like you’re dying” while simultaneously knowing we’re all living to die anyway?

Is it because we want to believe that if we make the moments count it won’t hurt so much when it’s over? It’s going to hurt, like hell every day. 
The thing about death whether it be anticipated or unexpected is that it leaves a hole in your heart but it creates a space in your mind. A space that forces you to face fear, relief, reality, and grief simultaneously. The fear was losing you, the relief is that you’re no longer in pain, the reality is living without you, and the grief is love with no place to go.

 

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I have chronic bitch face and I’m ok with that. My love language is Amazon Prime. I have two kids that are pretty awesome. There’s this tall guy thats been hanging around since the 10th grade so I told him I loved him and married him - He wears camo for a living, and I dig that! I really love school. Its true! I get passionate about things quickly then write about it here. I started this blog about a year ago and last summer I started freelancing on the side for a few different organizations. I got a handful of opportunities to be a guest blogger for some parenting sites in the U.K. and since then, I've been trying to build my audience. I can assure you this isn't just another "mom blog." I'm opinionated, I cuss a little (a lot), and I like booze so hopefully that entices you to take a look. I'm also a military Spouse and politics run deep in my home. I work full time with youth and adolescents that face severe and complex mental health issues. And lastly, I'm a full time student working on my Masters in substance abuse/mental health prevention science. BOOMER! Put all of that in one bag and you'll understand why I drink and love a good convo! Check out my work from over the last year, I can promise you there is something for everyone.

18 thoughts on “Death Simultaneously 

  1. I think death of a loved one not only emphasizes the fear of our own death but makes us question our life choices. It can trigger regrets about times not spent with that person, but it’s bigger than that… what about the regrets of your chosen life path? Death is an incredibly powerful thing for all involved.

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  2. What a touching and thought-provoking post! I lost a very close friend 4 years ago and it still seems like it just happened. He wasn’t in pain, it was very sudden, though. Still baffling to me. But your post very much sums up the anguish.

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  3. This is a lovely post that truly touches my heart because a very close friend I grew up with suddenly and unexpectedly passed away in his sleep last week…

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  4. Very interesting. I, fortunately, have not lost anyone close to me yet but I can imagine that if I had I would wish I had more time and had enjoyed every second more.

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  5. wow girl, this is beautifully written. It’s crazy to think that you can live your life as normal as any day and within a second your life is just gone. Sometimes I wonder if we had this mindset on a daily and really practice is – would we live our lives differently and happier? Or would we all just be sad knowing we’ll be gone tomorrow?

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    1. I think that’s the funny thing about death. Dying can be a motivator or a reason to give up on everything. I’m going to die so I want to make the moments count, or I’m going to die so what’s the point anyway. It’s all about perspective.

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